January 3 reading


Text:

  • Genesis 5:1 – 6:33
  • Psalm 2:7-12
  • Proverbs 1:10-19
  • Matthew 3:1-17

The verse that stood out was Matthew 3:17. “‘This is My Son, whom I love, and with whom I am well pleased.”

I can’t even really say why this stood out to me. But it did trigger thoughts about love. Or, more to the point, feeling un-loved. I have troubles with something a lot of people have troubles with, whether they realize it or not. That is the feeling of inadequacy.

I have, throughout most of my life, felt inadequate in pretty much every way. As a child, I felt like an inadequate daughter; I can’t remember pleasing my parents very often. Also, I was one of the unpopular kids, who was picked on and had no friends. That made me feel inadequate as a human being. With my first husband, I felt inadequate as a wife (and sometimes still do with my current husband) and often, with the troubles I have raising my kids, I feel inadequate as a mother. And even now, at almost 36 years old, I have no real friends and feel that I’m still inadequate as a human being.

I can’t even really explain it. I have a tendency to want to hide away in my house and never go out. I have to drag myself out to church sometimes. With some of the incredible mistakes I’ve made, that always had to adversely affect someone else, I feel that I have no business interacting with other people. I can’t bear the thought of letting people in. I was never well liked when I was myself, and I wasn’t like when I tried to be someone else. So now I’m terribly afraid of being myself around other people. I have trouble believing that there will ever be anything about me worth loving. I have secrets I can barely admit to myself, let alone tell to my parents or my siblings or even my husband. My fear of rejection is too great. When I was a kid, I was constantly mocked; anything I said or did was used against me or made fun of. This kind of thing also happened to me a great deal when I was in my early 20’s. As a result, I can’t talk to people or be open with them, which doesn’t entice them into a friendship with me. Or I unconsciously sabotage relationships early on so I won’t have to deal with the inevitable rejection.

The one thing that kept me from becoming a Christian again was that I knew what God could do in my life, but I knew I didn’t deserve it. If I hadn’t been a mother by then, I probably never would have given my life back to God. It was only in being a parent that I was able to understand the concept of being loved in spite of everything that’s wrong with you. I know I that there is nothing my children could do that would make me stop loving them. It’s a frightening feeling sometimes. The mere thought of one of my children being badly hurt or, God forbid, dying before me absolutely rips my heart out. I figured if I was capable of loving imperfect children like that, then the Creator of the world must be able to love an imperfect woman like me.

Now if I could just allow Him to heal me, so I could maintain some tangible relationships.

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About Sharon

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