The reaching of the breaking point was a few days ago, during a minor tiff with my boss. Everything that I kept tucked away as well as I could have been trying to make themselves heard. It’s not voices in my head, though that would be interesting; it’s just that I seem to have lost my ability to hide or ignore the little bugs I’ve tucked away in order to get through my days. I’ve finally asked for help. Probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done & I have no idea if I’m going to be able to do any of the things that they may suggest to me. I’ve already told myself, quite sternly, that I will take most of the suggestions I may be given, and that’s mostly because I can’t think for myself as it is.
The most frustrating aspect of this whole things is that I know what’s wrong. I’m pretty sure I even know what to do to fix the problem. But try as I might over the last few years, I just can’t do it. I’d really like to know why. One of the few things I remember from the visit from the ladies from the crisis center is one of them saying, “…to help you see them…” I can’t recall the words she used but it was something about seeing my bugs differently.
By the way, I’m using the word bugs where one might use the term demons; as in “facing your demons”. I know Satan is having a gay old time at my expence, but I will not give him the satisfaction of using his words.
This feels so strange. I can hardly type. I can’t seem to keep my mind centered on anything; I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus. The only thing i can feel is the weight, kind of like heavy air or a thick fog that sits in my chest. And the deep sadness. I can smile and laugh when watching tv or talking to someone, but the sadness returns in a flash when the laugh stops. It’s peculiar & unpleasant and so embarassing. Maybe that’s why I didn’t go to church today.