Some strange things have been happening to me since I rid myself of the medications that I am now sure I no longer need.
First of all, I’ll mention how my mood has been. I’m touchy, very touchy at times…ticking me off is not hard to do. What is very different, however, is how quickly, sometimes even instantly, my ‘temper flash’ or whatever you want to call it, will blow over – and it doesn’t hang around in my head to stew about later. It’s not that I forget about it, it just doesn’t bother me again. It’s a weird thing for me. Stewing over things of the past is one of my best talents.
The strange things that have been happening are the ways I’ve been changing.
I have actually come home from work and started cooking dinner on more than one occasion. I know that sounds like nothing, but that is something I haven’t had energy, motivation or fortitude to do in years. It’s not like I NEVER made dinner, but my children (before I remarried) had to fend for themselves more often than I liked, and after I married, I would often just let my husband do it or order in even though we couldn’t afford it. Motivation to do anything was one of the worst symptoms of my depression; it’s why I had to quit college, it’s why I didn’t really know what was going on in school for my oldest for the first couple of years heh was in special schooling. The fact that I had children under my care was only enough motivation to get me out of bed in the morning. If I hadn’t have had children, I probably would have lived in my bed and totally cut myself off from the world.
Another change is my appetite. I actually have one. Since I’ve gone through the withdrawal and come out the other side, I’ve had an appetite. It’s weird. I haven’t had a need for a chocolate stash. I haven’t spooned some supper onto my plate only to be unable to eat it. The scary thing about this is my fear of blowing up like a blimp, especially since I’m already still overweight from having my daughter almost 4 years ago. But since I have more motivation now, I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure out a way to squeeze an exercise regime into my daily life.
The last change in me that has occurred is that I’m starting to pay attention to my appearance. I have actually worn makeup – and I mean foundation & blush & the whole works – twice in a one week period. I’ve even been ‘doing’ my hair (not that there’s much I can do with it right now), or at least blowdrying it. Now, I’m not even sure when the last time I wore makeup was. But my personal grooming (other than showering regularly) has been something I couldn’t be bothered with for years. Now that’s something that’s not a big deal, and shouldn’t be for anyone, as far as I’m concerned. But making oneself look nice can help one’s mood be more positive.
Now, since I quit my meds, my life has not been what I would call rosy, but it has been definitely more positive. I feel a stronger sense of myself, like I had been wrapped in cotton batting for many years and it’s finally been peeled off of me. Listening to my instincts and taking each thought (or as many as I can nab) captive and making it obedient to God has definitely been the healing balm I’ve needed. It’s given me more peace than I’ve known in a long time.