Got fired today.
First impulse was to slice open my wrist.
Had I done that I would have bandaged it immediately afterward – I’m not suicidal. As any cutter knows, physical pain feels much better than emotional pain.
Sometimes I’m amazed that I don’t have a million scars all over my arms. But I shouldn’t be because there is a good reason for that. I have this annoying logical side that tells me, “yeah, that will feel better than the hurt, but what a stupid thing to do…besides you can’t hide things like that from your family.” I know it’s not always the voice of God because sometimes it reminds me that I could always get hit by a car. I think, though, that it’s the same voice that, when I was around 5 or 6 and tried really hard to believe in Santa Claus, said “ok, this is just stupid…this is lame & I feel like an idiot, so let’s not.” But that is why I have no self-inflicted scars.
I’m so tired of this. I’m almost 37 & I have 5 kids to feed & I still can’t keep a job. I’ve managed to hold one job for a year & then they shut it down & laid everyone off. The one job that suited me, & it gets shut down. So I’ve been back at square one ever since, with bigger expences & greater needs and no jobs that suit me.
I wish I could figure out why I don’t fit in anywhere.