I hate myself today


…and no I’m not quoting that stupid song.

Hate is probably not the right word.  The word ‘despise’ captures the concept a little better.

My sister got married today.  I’m trying so hard to be happy for her, but I’m bitter.  Bitter with envy… I get ticked off watching people do things the right way because I’m angry at myself for having done everything the wrong way.  My sister did everything wrong the first time, but did it right the second… I did everything wrong the first time too.  And then I did it wrong the second time as well.  You can’t get much stupider than that.  (And I know that stupider isn’t a real word; it’s ‘more stupid’ rather than ‘stupider; but when you’re a stupid smart person, you should be allowed to use the word stupider).

When my former pastor’s daughter got engaged, her fiance wrote a song for her and proposed in it.  And being the type of people they are, I’m sure they were virgins when they married… I was absolutely green with envy.  All the things the I will never have and have never had and thought I never wanted to have keep happening around me.  And it makes me so bitter that I can’t be happy for those it happened to.

I’m on my second marriage and I still have never been proposed to or had a romantic wedding or any of that stuff I always thought was just foolishness.  I had asked my sister why she was allowing her wedding plans to stress her out and why she just didn’t make it simpler, like my second wedding (which was only marginally simpler than my first) which took place in my living room with my former boss as my matron of honor and then after the ceremony, off to Tim Hortons.   She said those weren’t the kind of memories she wanted for  her wedding.  And that really hit me.  I told her I was glad my second wedding was what it was…I’d hate the idea of having put a lot into a wedding only to have a marriage like I do.  I have to wonder a little if what kind of wedding you have doesn’t make a little bit of difference in what kind of marriage you have.  I have to admit that when I got married the second time, I wasn’t overly hopeful, but I was a little bit hopeful that things would be different after the wedding than they were before.

In my first wedding, I wasn’t sure I should go through with it.  But I did, because I was 20 and pregnant and scared.   Pregnancy (at least in the early part) does not a romantic wedding night make.  But I’m not going to bother going into what kind of marriage my first one was…that was a whole other life.

My second wedding may as well have come about the same way.  It happened because of a baby, with no proposal, no wedded bliss and now I’m in a marriage that’s like living with my brother.

What I think really bothers me the most is that it’s all my fault.  I can’t blame any of it on anyone other than myself.  And it would be nice to be able to.

I try to remind myself of what I have, but I tend to focus on what I never got.  Pretty pathetic.  What I do have is a nice man; he’s supportive of things important to me (he came to church with me even when he wasn’t a Christian which he is now, praise God and he concedes to no booze in the house), he cares when I’m sick (and even takes care of me at those time), he works hard to support his family (even though they aren’t all his kids), he’s not abusive (even when we fight, he does his best not to raise his voice at me because he knows what that does to me).  These are all good things.  The things I don’t have in my marriage I need try to consider to be incidental, but I can’t seem to see them that way.  And because of that I’m miserable.  I realize that my husband is not going to change – he knows what the problems are, we’ve talked about them many times because I was not going to make him read my mind, like a lot of men complain women do, but there are never any changes on his part.  That does make it harder for me to change, but I know I still need to do it too.  He’s a man; I need to accept that he’s not going to change and that I’m not worth it to him.

I’m ticking myself off, as I read this over….I have no business complaining.  Thousands of women live in abusive relationships…I used to be one of those women.  This marriage is nothing like that.  Being taken for granted, undervalued, ignored, unappreciated and never lusted after are not big deals.  He doesn’t hit me, belittle or berate me, or force me to be a servant.  I should be content with a husband who brings home the bacon and is nice to me and the kids.  Anything beyond that should probably just be considered icing on the cake that I really don’t deserve to have anyway.  I’m no prize for a wife, I’m sure.

You know, years ago, when I was focused only on pleasing God, is the only time I can remember feeling contentment and peace.  I really wish I could get there again.

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About Sharon

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