I hate it when I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do.
We are in a financial position that enables us to get by but we can’t pay down any debt or save anything. I had turned down a job that would have started last September because I thought I was supposed to stay at home. Well, some of the things that I was staying home for have changed to a point where it’s not necessary for me to stay home for them anymore. I do still have my four-year-old, but in the line of work I used to do, a school bus driver, I could take her with me. So, basically, I could go back to work.
So, why doesn’t it seem like the right thing to do? My husband works his butt off to bring home what he does, but it isn’t enough to pay off our creditors. The way we’re dealing with our creditors right now is dishonest. We’d taken unofficial advice from a credit counselor who suggested that, since it didn’t matter to us if our credit rating went in the toilet and stayed there, and since we didn’t owe enough that any of these creditors would try to sue us for it, that we should just ignore their calls until the seven years is up. Not honest, though, is it? But I don’t know what else to do.
I also think it’s time to start rebuilding our credit rating. The last straw was when I wanted to get new phones with a monthly package for my boys with a cell phone company that didn’t do contracts. I had the money at the time to buy the phones right out, which is what I had planned to do, but they wouldn’t allow me to set up two phones – only one. What good was one when I needed two? It’s kind of like a shoe store only wanting to sell me the left because they didn’t trust me to pay for the right.
Everything I’ve just been saying points to me going back to work as the right thing to do. Except for this tug in my heart. So, I have to ask, what am I at home for? I’m here, initially, because I thought God wanted me here. But I can also attribute it to fear for my boys. I stayed home so I could drive them to school instead of them taking public transit. It’s scary to allow that when you have special needs children. My oldest, who is autistic, I was so afraid for. He really doesn’t possess common sense and if he had gotten lost, I was afraid of what might happen to him. So I stayed home to drive them to school. But then our second car went and I had no vehicle to take them to school in. So they went on public transit after all (which is the only reason they got cell phones at all). I explained the route and transfers to them both as well as I could and then let them go, only to find that I worried for naught. (I don’t mean that to sound like a bad thing. I’m very proud of them both.)
But now I’m back to why am I at home when, as a school bus driver, I can take my preschool daughter with me.
I believe and trust very much in God’s provision of our necessities. But His blessings can be hindered because of our sin. So I have to wonder if that’s why we don’t have quite enough. I can’t believe that God wants us to continue ignoring our creditors. So, I’m wondering if it’s because I haven’t been doing what He wants of me as a stay at home mom. Or if there’s something we should be waiting on Him for. Or does He want us to take the first step, and start taking the frequent calls of our creditors, before we have a way to pay them? That would be a big step of faith. Should we believe that if we do that, take the calls and make arrangements for payment, that God will drop the necessary money in our laps? Or is the money supposed to come from me going back to work? But am I not at home because God wants me here? Or am I at home because I’m afraid of going to work?
I have the worst fear of failure. I’ve never known of anyone who was worse for that than me. I don’t like to try because I’m sure that I’ll fail. I feel like I’m failing as a stay at home mom. I’m tired and disinterested in a lot of the things my daughter wants me to do with her, playing with her stuffies or coloring in a book; I’d rather be facebooking or blogging or reading interesting articles or one of the many books I have on the go. It’s no wonder she always wants to go to grandma’s. I’m not paying the attention I should to my boys; they can both be so frustrating – my autistic one with his obsessions and my preteen with his attitude. But where does his attitude come from? Probably my lack of attention.
Perhaps this is the sin that is withholding God’s blessings on our home that could make it possible to pay our debts. I am not being a godly mother. God can multiply what you have…I have seen Him do it. Is that, then, what will happen if I become a better stay at home mom? Do I believe God could do that? Yes! Do I believe God will do it? I don’t know, because I’m not sure if that what He wants me to do (staying at home).
I could have complete faith in God if I knew what His plans were. I could know what His plans are if I had complete faith in Him.
What a vicious cycle. But I can see, looking at it, how the fault lies with me. I should have complete faith in God so I can know what His plans are.
Well, that’s food for thought, isn’t it?