There are three general reasons why I write anything – I’m venting, I have an opinion I want to express and facebook just isn’t enough, or I learned something that I just have to share.
Today is more a combination of all three. It’s time to write a resolution to a previous blog I titled War.
The person I mentioned in the previous blog had sent an apology shortly after it all started. I was unable to respond directly to him at the time but did tell his wife I accepted it and forgave him. It didn’t feel resolved (probably because it wasn’t) and, because of my trust issues, I was dreading when I would see him at our family Christmas dinner. Over the two weeks leading up to Dec 25, I envisioned many conversations between us at that future dinner, all in which he said something nasty that made me feel terrible about myself. I know for a fact that this was what was keeping me from getting a decent sleep over the last couple of weeks – my mind kept envisioning those conversations instead of shutting down for the night.
I had tried several times to write to him to explain why I think some of the ways that I do, but that required revealing things to him that, because of my trust issues, I just couldn’t.
Then it came. December 25. The day to get together with my family (which he is a part of) to celebrate Christmas.
Needless to say, none of the conversations I envisioned took place. With the exception of a few circuit breaker issues, dinner went on just fine. He and I never made eye contact and never spoke to each other. Which worked for me at the time.
Today at church I was on the worship team. At our church there is prayer time before the service and usually everyone involved in the service goes into the room for prayer time. I don’t always (mainly because I have to deal with my kids) but I did today.
As prayers were being spoken a piece of scripture came to me:
“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
I said to God, “I’ve forgiven him in my heart if I haven’t said so to his face.”
Then prayer was over and the service started soon after.
But then we had communion and I was reminded:
1 Corinthians 11:27
Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner, shall be guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord.
“Ok God, I’ll resolve this somehow.” I thought…I was standing on the stage at the time and didn’t want to just walk off.
So how have I resolved this? I sent him a friend request on facebook (I had un-friended him) with a short note that told him I accepted his apology and offered mine. Kind of lame, I know. It’s hard, extremely hard, for me to put myself in a position of vulnerability. I should call him but I can’t. I don’t deal well with an angry man (a man raising his voice to me can put me in a panic attack – my husband is wonderful at not raising his voice when we “argue”) and I fear that that’s what I would hear if I tried to call him. I don’t know him well enough to predict what his reaction would be; I certainly didn’t expect what I had gotten from him – the thing that started this whole drama. So, I’ve played it safe.
In my message to him, however, I did say that as far as I was concerned, the matter was forgotten; I wouldn’t hold it against him. And I won’t either. But, because I’ve still got a few fragile areas, I have to leave the next move to him. I’m hoping it will be a kindly spoken word (whatever the word – it could be “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” as long as it’s said kindly) over the phone. Then I’ll know all’s right between us and we can move on as members of the same family.
We are family anyway.
We’re brother and sister in Christ.