Today there will be no bible study either. But I will explain a few things.
This week my church engaged in corporate prayer and fasting. I’ve only been with this church for a year, so I this was a new thing to me, though I remember her (my pastor) talking about it during the first service I was there. I wanted to participate. God has actually seemed really distant and quiet to me for some time now. I was looking forward to how the Holy Spirit would work in me during this time. Things have not gone as I expected.
First of all, I had to break my fast yesterday, which means I only made it through 2 days. I had previously had some medical issues that would have made fasting impossible for me to do safely, and I mistakenly thought that those medical issues were completely gone. I thought they were, but from the effects on my body, I was wrong. Now, I’m not including the first day where I suffered a terrible migraine because I know that just came on because of caffeine withdrawal. I am continuing to fast to a degree. No coffee, no chocolate (it’s hardly a fast unto the Lord without sacrifice, is it?) and I’m skipping supper. But I feel a little guilty that I couldn’t do it the whole week.
Secondly, I was expecting to really hear God’s voice during this time. He has spoken to me very clearly in the past and I’ve been longing to hear Him again. What I think has happened more so is that the enemy has taken advantage of this vulnerability. The enemy has been working very hard against me for the last several years and it’s been only in the last year (not even a year, really) that his grip has been loosening. I believe he’s taken advantage of my weakened state to grab hold again. I do know why he does this; I will be dangerous for God and satan is afraid of me. So he goes at me full force whenever an opportunity arises. Throughout this week I have being seeing into myself, but it’s been only the ugly and the things I’m doing wrong, and the grace I try to live in has been invisible.
For example, I’m trying to blog a bible study everyday. But I’ve been having so much trouble with understanding the Scripture that it’s impossible to eke something to write about. I’m not sure what to do about this. Perhaps if I read it out loud or use the websites that have audio bibles, that will help clear him out of my mind.
I do believe that the bible study idea was maybe more than what God wanted of me for now. He wants me to write. That I know, but He wants me to take baby steps…and patience has never been my virtue.
So, with my writing, I will start again. I will blog a bible study type one when my bible reading has been particularly insightful and really gives me something I want to share. But I will not be hard on myself if I’m not able to do it. That is of the enemy.
So, I will endeavor to finish out this week without guilt for having had to eat, and with total submission to God’s plan for me. As for the enemy, tonight’s prayer time is for healing. Let’s see him come against me with those prayer warriors praying over me.
Please keep me in your prayers and
Be immersed in grace,