I just read an article which really hit me between the eyes. Click on the link below and read if for yourself.
I reread my rantings in my previous blog titled Being a Biblical Wife and there’s one thing I certainly forgot to mention. In the previous blog, I wrote:
So why aren’t we the love slaves first, so that he’ll do the sweet things?
I guess it’s all about trust. I don’t dote on my husband because I don’t trust that he’ll do anything in return. And that’s pretty selfish, isn’t it?
I almost had it there. But the above article really hits the nail on the head (pay particular attention to the text I changed to bold print):
Outwardly, a Christian Nice Wife’s choice to deny her own needs can make her resemble a self-sacrificing, loving wife, but inwardly, what’s really going on? Self-sacrificial acts that are motivated by true love always have the other person’s best interest at heart (even if those loving acts might cause either person to experience some necessary pain). Self-sacrificial acts that are motivated by fear of conflict/rejection and desire for approval may look beautiful from a distance, but look closely, and you’ll see that they are actually kudzu-covered “covert contracts.” That’s when a wife does something nice for her husband with the unspoken expectation that he will be just as nice in return. And then when he isn’t, she gets angry that he didn’t jump through her invisible hoop, and punishes him by sulking, making snippy comments, or giving him the cold shoulder. Covert contracts are manipulative, and they confuse and anger spouses. Most importantly, they are not what Jesus expects from his followers.
Ouch. One more 2×4 to the head for Sharon from God.
Lately I’ve been doing things that are unusual for me to do. I’ve been doing domestic, house-wifey type things. I’ve been baking, for one. I’ve been cleaning for another. Why? In all honesty, I’ve just found myself doing them. I’ve become tired of a dirty kitchen so, instead of waiting till my son comes home and does the dishes, I’ve been taking care of it during the day and letting him do the supper ones. I think that God has planted the desire and motivation to do these types of things (on top of healing my back in a way that I’m able to stand there and do the dishes – I used to not be able to stand for more than a few minutes at a time).
Does this sound weird to anybody else? I’m sure it does.
But, I think I can say in all fairness and honesty that my motivation for doing these things is out of true love.
However, what I am doing wrong is expecting some sort of acknowledgment or praise or something from my husband because of my extra efforts. That’s the “covert contract” that is mentioned above.
I get upset with my husband a lot because of the things he doesn’t do, that I think he should. And they are little things; things that I envy other couples about because I see it happen in their marriages. But these things hold no significance to mine and Brad’s marriage, or to him as a husband, or to me as a wife or to us as followers of Christ. It’s just more of the “I want, I want, I want” that I want so very much to get out of.
In my previous biblical wife blog, I alluded to what the article said about changing the “golden” rule to the “pyrite” rule – “Do unto others as you would have done unto you” gets changed to “Do unto others so that they will do the same unto you.” (Too bad I didn’t come up with the “pyrite” thing myself ;))
Someone like me, whose worst character flaws are selfishness and pride, is going to change that golden rule to pyrite without even thinking about it. And I’m disappointed in myself that I do that.
I really, truly want to be a selfless servant of God, who serves her husband, family and world out of love and devotion to God. That’s part of the reason I’m trying to unpack the Proverbs 31 woman. If I want to learn how to be this type of servant for God, where else should I look but at the Word of God?
Well, I don’t have all the answers yet, and I’m sure I never will. But we don’t get to the destination without going on the journey. I will endeavor to keep all of my heart surrendered to Christ and follow His will for my life because the contentment and peace that has been wrapped around me like a blanket for the past several weeks has not been removed, even though my husband is still ticking me off. And that’s because I did surrender to His will. So maybe there’s hope for me yet to be the kind of wife I want to be.
Be immersed in His grace because in that you can never drown,
What about you? How did you do in your answers to the true & false questions at the beginning of the article? Please share any insights you have on this topic.