I have been reading a great deal lately on making plans and setting goals.
I have never been much of a goal setter. Mainly because I hate disappointment. At the many business opportunity meetings (and by business I mean doing Amway, Pampered Chef, WFG etc) I’ve attended, I have frequently been asked where I see myself in 5 or 10 years. I never have an answer for that…the closest I can come to is to say I’ll be empty-nested by then.
I have an extreme fear of failure. Not without good reason. There have been many things that I have attempted that I have drastically failed at. I failed as a wife in my first marriage (not that I’m the best wife in my second marriage); I flunked out of college (which, unfortunately, still comes with the $20000 debt to the government in student loans – in my defense though, I flunked out mainly because of my health); I sometimes feel like a failure as a mother; I’ve been fired from (or just crapped out and quit) many jobs.
So yes, there’s been a lot of failure in my life.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever had goals (other than actually graduating from college). When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a nurse. That was mainly because it seemed like such a romantic profession. (My dad was a nurse and didn’t seem very romantic to me, but he was an old guy and when I grew up it would be different for me because I would be a young woman.) I did grow out of that idea by junior high.
When I think about the failures in my life, I can see a commonality between them all. How could I make goals and plans to achieve them when I made all my decisions, big and small, based on that particular moment? It all had to do with the choices I made in my life. Most of them were poor choices, made in the heat of the moment. Many of them were choices that affected the rest of my life. And they were all choices I made without God.
And then there’s now.
I’ll be 38 next month. Not exactly old, but certainly no spring chicken.
I’m at a season in my life that’s a little frightening.
Because of my many failures I am very unsure of myself. I am secure in the knowledge that God loves me and wants what’s best for me and has a plan for me. But I am insecure because of the knowledge that I can be a class A idiot and not be able to see what’s right in front of my face and that I have a tendency to be pretty deaf to what I need to hear.
So what do I do? How do I set goals at my age?
God has revealed Himself to me in ways that are a little freaky. He’s revealed to me to write. How or what or where it’s supposed to go I still don’t know. I’m having to wait on Him and patience is not my strong suit. I want to know what the deal is so I can make plans for it…Or is that it?
God is revealing this to me as I type it. He has revealed very little to me. But maybe it’s because He knows my weaknesses. I was such a self-destroyer at one time. I sabotaged myself in relationships and jobs with ease. It was, I know, under the influence of the enemy, who has been hanging onto the noose around my neck, keeping me away from the Grace of God. Maybe God knows that, even though He and I have come a long way in the last year, I’m not to the point of submission to Him that I should know His plans for me. If I knew them they’d probably freak me out and I’d sabotage myself. I’ve said in previous blogs that I will be dangerous for God. I must have satan worried.
It’s not time for me to know the rest of His plans for me. I must keep submitting to Him and doing what I’m doing, looking after my family and home. It’s time for me to just rest in Him. God’s been keeping me at home to learn to rest in Him. Rest. It makes total sense suddenly. I’ve been so tired from life and of life. God has given me a gift of rest.
So that is my goal. I will rest in Him and keep doing what I’m doing. The time will come soon enough when God will put me to work again. I will work on my patience and make the choice to lean on and rest in Him.
Thank you, God, for rest and assurance that when it seems like we’re going nowhere and doing nothing, it can be part of Your plan.
Rest in Him,