Today I read a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries on fear. It was about fear of the future, but it really struck me.
Fear is my biggest obstacle. There was a time when I could think about my future and imagine myself in a career – generally as a speaker, singer or writer – and being successful at it. I think I was in Grade 6 when I last thought that way.
Today can still be as bad as it has been for me a long time. When I imagine myself venturing out and actually doing something, I see the world mocking and scorning me for what I’ve done. Those images are so powerful that it’s paralyzing sometimes.
I know that God is calling me forward, but I am so afraid.
I’m afraid that if I try to do what God wants, I’ll not only fail, but fail exceedingly. I get visions of angry people screaming and cursing me for what I’ve done. “How could you have been so stupid!?” “How could you have dared to even try such a thing!?”
The fear that I feel when these run through my mind frighten me in the same way as standing anywhere high or being in water does. I have an extreme fear of heights and of drowning. The last time I was in a canoe, I was 12 years old. We got out on the water and I froze. Completely. I couldn’t have moved if I wanted to. I was absolutely paralyzed with fear.
And sometimes I feel the same kind of fear when I think about moving forward with God’s plan for my life. He hasn’t even let me in on what He wants from me yet. But I’m still afraid.
I know I just need to trust in Him. I need to practice what I preach to other people; people who usually succeed in the things they do (or at least that’s how it appears to me).
I don’t often feel like I’ve succeeded at much. It took till I was 25 to graduate high school, I flunked out of college, I’ve been divorced, and my children have troubles.
Where have I succeeded?
I’m not really sure right now.
Tonight, I have small group. Maybe I’ll feel better after that….