I’m Afraid

Today I read a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries on fear.  It was about fear of the future, but it really struck me.

Fear is my biggest obstacle.  There was a time when I could think about my future and imagine myself in a career – generally as a speaker, singer or writer – and being successful at it.  I think I was in Grade 6 when I last thought that way.

Today can still be as bad as it has been for me a long time.  When I imagine myself venturing out and actually doing something, I see the world mocking and scorning me for what I’ve done.  Those images are so powerful that it’s paralyzing sometimes.

I know that God is calling me forward, but I am so afraid.

I’m afraid that if I try to do what God wants, I’ll not only fail, but fail exceedingly.  I get visions of angry people screaming and cursing me for what I’ve done.  “How could you have been so stupid!?”  “How could you have dared to even try such a thing!?”

The fear that I feel when these run through my mind frighten me in the same way as standing anywhere high or being in water does.  I have an extreme fear of heights and of drowning.  The last time I was in a canoe, I was 12 years old.  We got out on the water and I froze.  Completely.  I couldn’t have moved if I wanted to.  I was absolutely paralyzed with fear.

And sometimes I feel the same kind of fear when I think about moving forward with God’s plan for my life.  He hasn’t even let me in on what He wants from me yet.  But I’m still afraid.

I know I just need to trust in Him.  I need to practice what I preach to other people; people who usually succeed in the things they do (or at least that’s how it appears to me).

I don’t often feel like I’ve succeeded at much.  It took till I was 25 to graduate high school, I flunked out of college, I’ve been divorced, and my children have troubles.

Where have I succeeded?

I’m not really sure right now.

Tonight, I have small group.  Maybe I’ll feel better after that….


About Sharon

Check out my "A Bit About Me" tab to learn a bit about me
This entry was posted in just a venting moment and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I’m Afraid

  1. Erwin Epp says:

    Sharon, please don’t forget that no matter what happens to you, you are the daughter of the King of Kings! He will be with you no matter what. Dad

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s