Under Attack

While we host some students from a bible college here on outreach, I’m under attack again.

I thought it was because yesterday was mother’s day, which is a hard day for my husband and I, but I’m not sure that’s all it is.

Mother’s day is hard for my husband because it makes him miss his mother.

Mother’s day is hard for me because I wish I could feel special at least one day a year, and my husband (and kids) never do anything for me.

Maybe I’m just selfish.

But, yesterday at church was really weird.

I felt panicky and upset almost the minute we stepped into the building. The students were inside the sanctuary practicing and just hearing them made me want to cry.

I ran to the bathroom twice during the worship because I couldn’t keep myself together. Some of my friends came and talked with me in there, and I told them it was because of mother’s day and issues in my marriage, and I was able to leave the bathroom and keep it together for most of the day.

But it took one instance of my husband not listening to me that afternoon and I fell to pieces. I attacked him quite brutally and he responded in kind.

I hadn’t felt like cutting myself in a long time but I did last night. (I won’t cut myself – I have wanted to many times during the days of having depression but never did because I knew in the back of my mind how foolish it was.)

I am under attack from the enemy again.

Please I need your prayers.


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This entry was posted in depression, just a venting moment, Marriage, This 'n that and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Under Attack

  1. valdezsp says:

    Sometimes we can’t understand God’s methods, but he has a plan and there is a reason for everything that happens. Life is precious. Even on our worst days, we can find beauty in the gift of life that God has given us. I will be praying for you.

  2. Rhea Chladek says:

    I sometimes get bursts of confidence, but self doubt creeps in so quickly, and I am left paralyzed again. I am beginning to realize that I do have some say in the process, even if it is simply to bow my head and say, “HELP ME, JESUS!” and then to tell the enemy where to go!

    I feel compelled to share what has been going on in my life the last few weeks. I have been a Christian for 30+ years, like you have mentioned in your blog that you have been. I am NOWHERE NEAR to getting it all together, so along with the Apostle Paul, I can merely “…rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” (I guess I have a lot of weaknesses to “boast” about…LOL!)

    I have worked at my place of employment for 10 1/2 years, and unfortunately, even though I have cherished friendships where I work, I have encountered some things that are pushing me to move on. I have outgrown this job.

    I have just been offered a new job. I accepted this new job, and am scheduled to start my new job next month.

    Initial butterflies in the stomach have been followed by downright anxiety and worry about this change. I have heard of so many who stay in situations that are not-so-great, because the fear of the unknown overrides the known “hell” that one is going through. I wouldn’t exactly say that my job has been “hell,” but what I have been through in the last 6 years with my severe depression and anxiety have been. The depression and anxiety have stripped me of self-confidence, as several times, I have battled with suicidal thoughts, intense nightmares, fear that I won’t measure up, and a general feeling that I have deserved the life I have been “existing” through, due to some poor past choices. Self-doubt tells me that I will not be able to make it successfully through the transition and training that this new job entails, even though I am more than qualified for the job.

    A couple of weeks ago, at the Women’s Retreat I went to, I shared with some trusted Godly sisters about Satan’s attack on my thoughts. Just a week before the retreat, I posted a short testimony on Facebook, (with intent to post it also on my blog), about the things that Christ has given me the strength to do. It bolstered my confidence, just in sharing.

    However, within a couple of days, I could feel Satan’s attack so intense that it was nearly-palpable. Panicky feelings turned to obsessive thoughts of doing self-harm.

    The day of the retreat, I departed with the ladies that I was to share a cabin with. We stopped at Applebee’s for dinner, and I felt the intense desire to drink. I didn’t, of course, because one does not order alcohol, with church ladies sharing the dinner table, right?…LOL! By the time I arrived at the retreat, my anxiety had escalated to a “fight-or-flight” response.

    I could not interact more than a couple of minutes with the group of ladies in the main cabin. (My perma-smile fooled those in attendance, however, so I didn’t have people asking if I was all right). I grabbed a knife from the kitchen, and headed outside, with the intent of cutting,

    The knife wasn’t sharp enough to make any more than some surface scrapes, and I was frustrated. I went to my cabin, visited and laughed with my roommates, told jokes, funny stories, overall played the clown. In the midst of the hubbub, I managed to give my bottle of sleeping pills to a trusted friend, who shared the cabin with me, while, with my eyes, I begged her to understand, and not let on to the other ladies about this struggle. I merely whispered to her that I needed her to hold on to them for me. She didn’t press–just gave me space and time. I was so grateful.

    After a VERY short night’s pseudo-sleep, and a small breakfast, I headed back to my cabin for a nap, while the rest of the group went to the first session. After a couple hours of sleep, I felt God prompting me to get up and go to the remainder of the first session. The speaker spoke about finding and holding on to one’s identity in Christ. It was just the word I needed.

    After lunch was free time. I joined the ladies back at the cabin, and rather than going hiking at the falls, confessed my struggle, and allowed my roommates to gather around me and pray, as I crumpled to the floor, sobbing.

    There were no words of condemnation; rather, God spoke through these ladies of his profound love, and desire to fill me with joy and purpose. I gave him my anxieties, and he gave one of the ladies a special word for me. I was simultaneously stunned and excited.

    God did a work of comfort, some healing, and a bolstering of confidence. That’s why now, a couple of weeks later, I am being floored by the latest attack of the enemy. I have a 14 year old autistic son, and a social butterfly 10 year old daughter, and know that Satan would like nothing more than to destroy my life, and turn their lives upside down in the process.

    I had a vivid dream, the night before last, of overdosing on my sleeping pills. During my waking hours, Satan has not only bombarded me with self-destructive thoughts, but simultaneously berated me mercilessly for even thinking such thoughts! “How can you call yourself a Christian?”….you know the drill…

    Thank you for having the courage to be so honest with your posts. I know that more Christians struggle than will admit it, and it is only by God’s grace, and the prayers of others, that we can stand. Keep on fighting, and please pray for women like me, who are struggling to stand.

    Thank you!

    Rhea Chladek

    • Sharon G. says:

      You and I have similar stories. I have autistic children as well – 3, in fact.

      There’s a few things I’d like to take the liberty to suggest.
      1) Get rid of the sleeping pills and don’t get anymore. People with depression should not have sleeping pills.

      2) Get a good doctor and the right kind of medication, if necessary. I was on medication for depression at one time myself…it is sometimes necessary.

      3) If your church has regular prayer meetings, go to them.

      4) Be real. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of faking it to people, is that you’re not doing yourself any good. Be honest with the right people at your church about the problems you’re dealing with. I know it’s incredibly hard to do that, but do it. If you attend a church of authentic Christ followers, they will accept and help you.

      5) Help yourself. There’s lots of great stuff to read and messages to watch on video that can really help. Joyce Meyer is one I really suggest joycemeyer.org is her website and this is a great video to start with (you can watch it there on her website) http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=Getting_On_with_Life_-_Pt_1

      watch part 2 as well…I got so much out of this message.

      6) Spend time with God. Read His Word, talk to Him. Remember He is Abba, Father. He’s daddy and He loves you more than any earthly daddy is capable of.

      I’ll be praying for you Rhea. Remember, if you have more thoughts of harming yourself, that you have children who need you. That’s what kept me from doing anything drastic. I never wanted my children to think that I didn’t love them enough to stick around for them. I never cut myself because I didn’t want them to see things like that and learn to do the same type of things. If for no other reason, do it for your kids.

      You are covered with the blood of the Lamb. Satan has no authority over you. The only power he has is the power you give him. Don’t give him any more.

      God bless you

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