Yesterday was a crazy day; during work and after work. I got up at 6 that morning but didn’t get home till 7:30 that evening. I don’t like days like that.
I have nothing going on in my life which is the only reason I have any time in my days. My social life consists (for the moment) of a connection group with my church. We’re doing A Purpose Driven Life. Great book. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
Since I started full-time work, back in July, for the first time in several years, I learned what busyness was all about. I even posted a blog or two about it. But I haven’t written anything since. I’m busy. I don’t have time to write anything. I barely have time to read my daily reading of A Purpose Driven Life. I’ve taken to reading it on my lunch break. What’s funny is how I don’t get my reading done on my days off. But then I don’t have days off. When I’m not at work, I at home with a pile of children and a neglected household. Why is it neglected? Because I work full-time. What a ridiculous cycle!
Now, I will say that things have settled into a fairly smooth little groove by now. Things do, for the most part, get done. If something happens suddenly to change things, chaos will ensue, but we’re managing to keep a handle on it.
But I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…a dangerous past time, I know. There’s so many things that I’ve put on the back shelf, especially since I got pregnant with my daughter – she was a surprise. My boys were 8 and 12 when I had her. I had thought, back then in 2006, that I was about to have opportunity to do things for me, because my boys were older and didn’t need me so much. But…it didn’t work out that way. I had another baby instead and it changed my life forever. I almost said it put my life on hold, but that has such a negative connotation to it. I love my daughter.
But the point is, there are a lot of plans that I had made long ago that haven’t left me. One of those things on the back shelf is the fact that I have a $20,000 bill with the government for student loans. I got through 2 1/2 years of college before I crapped out. I was a single mother at the time and very ill with clinical depression, so it’s no wonder I crapped out. Unfortunately, I have that enormous bill and nothing to show for it. I hate that. I should have had a degree in psychology (or english) 6 years ago. And I’ve been wondering if I shouldn’t go back.
What a completely crazy idea. Go back. For what? To finish what I started? I’m 38 years old and already have troubles remembering 5 minutes ago. What purpose could it possibly serve to spend money we can’t afford on classes that may not help to bother taking? I know the government certainly wouldn’t give me any more money because our credit is in the crapper. So, if I were to go back to school, it’d be out of our own pockets. I have, however, considered that maybe I should try just taking one course at a time by correspondence course and finish with my degree. I’ll be retirement age when I’m done but I’ll die with my degree. However, it would take a miracle for me to develop the discipline needed to complete college level courses by distance learning.
Another thing on the back shelf is what I was planning on doing when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was in the midst of preparation to go into Journalism when I peed on that stick and got two lines instead of one like I was hoping for. Since I hardly write anymore, and haven’t really for quite a while, I’m not always sure that journalism is an area I’m still interested in. But then again, it still holds an appeal to me. Writing, that is. That’s why I blog, that’s why I post stuff on Facebook. That’s why I write letters and emails and redesign forms and labels for my boss. I do all that because I like to write and I’m good at it.
So…Where do I go and what do I do? I have to keep my job at least for a few years until my husband is in the higher wages where he works. Then maybe I won’t have to work full-time and not have any time and get out of my busyness cycle. But what about those things on the shelf? Should they be tossed in the garbage like last year’s forgotten mayo? Or are they things I should aspire to, even though I’ll be in my 40’s before I can get started?
I just don’t know. God hasn’t let me in on anything to do with my life for a while, so I don’t know what He’s planning.
For now I’m just doing my life as best as I can.
So….How’ve you been?