I’ve been going through a struggle. And I’ve been going through it for a long time.
I’ve been a Christian for close to 35 years, but my walk has been erratic, and now I think I understand why.
My head knows who I am in Christ, but my heart can’t accept it.
I’ve been reading In Touch magazine lately. It contains daily devotions written by Charles Stanley. Some of them have been rather brutal. Of course, I don’t mean brutally written, but that they’ve been hitting me where it counts.
One talked about why one would follow Jesus and challenged whether I was following Jesus because I wanted to follow Him or because I wanted something from Him. I was greatly convicted of that. I realized that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Waiting for God to do for me before I will do for Him. Waiting for Him to provide for my needs; waiting for Him to change my husband and kids into what I want.
But I haven’t been accepting Him. Accepting His love for me; accepting His grace.
I have been so utterly selfish that I have stripped myself of His grace and now I’ve been feeling lost. I haven’t been able to see any purpose for my life and feel completely useless.
But that is going to stop. I am resolving to seek God’s will and to learn to completely surrender myself to Him. Because that is what I never do. I surrender and take back; then surrender and take back. I’m getting tired. I have to quit thinking I know better than God and give Him complete control.
I admit I am afraid. I fear what God will ask of me. I wish I knew how to conquer that fear.
Please pray for me.