Bent


It’s still going on.

The tidal wave of neuroses I can’t seem to swim out of.

My sister thinks I have borderline personality disorder.

She could be right.

What do you do when you’re stuck in that wave and you have nothing to hold on to?

When I mention what my sister thinks to people at my church they seem to rush to say, “Talk to God first.”

I do.

I have.

And I’ve got nothing.

You know what I want?  I want to stay at home.  Be at home and learn to be a good housewife.  Read. Write. Research. Do Sharon-type stuff.

But I can’t.

I can’t keep a job, but I have to work because we’ll starve if I don’t.

Why isn’t God providing?  There’s no money or peace.  He hasn’t provided either.

Am I that terrible that I’m unworthy and ineligible of any help from Him?

I could go back to bus driving, if I can pass my pre-trip evaluation.

I don’t want to go back to bus driving. The 5 am mornings (I’m fine with 7, but 5 is ridiculous), the unpredictability of special needs kids – I shudder when I remember some of the kids from past times as a bus driver.  I don’t think I can deal with more stress and doing this would add it.

I’m afraid to do it.

I don’t want to do it.

But, do I get a choice?

No.

All I get is to be afraid, with ridiculous things swirling around in my head.  I miss the ability to think straight.

What am I supposed to do?

How am I supposed to do it?

Why won’t this stop?

It’s costing me friends and makes me want to hide in my house and never come out.

I don’t know what to do with this.

I wish it would just go away.

I have an appointment tomorrow at a mental health clinic.

Just watch them diagnose me with something and then the stigma that I’d have to live with afterwards.

I wish God would feel closer, but maybe I’m just too filthy.

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4 Responses to Bent

  1. It bothers me to see you talk like this. I feel so compelled to help, yet completely aware of my own inability to do so. I asked God to give me words for you. They’re not there. Not because God thinks you are unworthy, ineligible or too filthy. But because he knows that everyone, has always had advice for you. What to do, when to do it, how and why. You’re whole life you have had people telling you how to live. Some of it may have been wrong, some may have been good advice. Who knows? The point is that Jesus, who thinks quite highly of you, wants to tell you how to live. The fact that he knows you inside and out, what you have had in life or didn’t have and all that you’ve done or had done to you, makes him able to help.
    Satan has lied to you. You have eaten it up. We all eat it up everyday. Don’t think you’re the only one. Start with this article. Take it and do with it the opposite of what the people did that Romans 1:25 was talking about. Ask God to show you, because you can’t see it yet Sharon, but a good portion of this post represents the lies you’ve been told.

  2. Erwin Epp says:

    Sharon,
    Please remember that there are a few constants in the world and they are true! One is that God loves you and always will and that He wants the best for you. His best is not necessarily due the same time as we believe it is due. Secondly, your mother and I love you and we always will. There will not be any change in that until after we have died.
    I was glad to hear that you were going to go and see that specialist and don’t worry about stigmas. If anyone stops to think about it a stigma about going to see a “mind” doctor is stupid. If that gives you a stigma then everyone who goes to have a broken bone set should also be stigmatized. If the specialist prescribes a medication, please get it and take it.
    Don’t forget that we are praying for you.
    God Bless!

  3. Lynda says:

    Sharon I agree with Dad. God loves and so does your family. Regardless of what you are or are not diagnosed with. Stigma only comes from those who really do not understand. A diagnoses is simply a way of letting us know that ‘as a diabetic we have to eat regular and shouldn’t avoid sugar’; ‘as an asthmatic I shouldn’t walk into a smoke filled room’; ‘someone with ADHD we shouldn’t insist they sit through a 2 hour lecture’. It simply is a tool to help us learn how to do things in our lives to be more successful (meaning you actually live your life not coast through it). What time is your appointment? As I will be in the office for a little bit tomorrow, I’m also off early tomorrow.

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