It’s still going on.
The tidal wave of neuroses I can’t seem to swim out of.
My sister thinks I have borderline personality disorder.
She could be right.
What do you do when you’re stuck in that wave and you have nothing to hold on to?
When I mention what my sister thinks to people at my church they seem to rush to say, “Talk to God first.”
And I’ve got nothing.
You know what I want? I want to stay at home. Be at home and learn to be a good housewife. Read. Write. Research. Do Sharon-type stuff.
But I can’t.
I can’t keep a job, but I have to work because we’ll starve if I don’t.
Why isn’t God providing? There’s no money or peace. He hasn’t provided either.
Am I that terrible that I’m unworthy and ineligible of any help from Him?
I could go back to bus driving, if I can pass my pre-trip evaluation.
I don’t want to go back to bus driving. The 5 am mornings (I’m fine with 7, but 5 is ridiculous), the unpredictability of special needs kids – I shudder when I remember some of the kids from past times as a bus driver. I don’t think I can deal with more stress and doing this would add it.
I’m afraid to do it.
I don’t want to do it.
But, do I get a choice?
All I get is to be afraid, with ridiculous things swirling around in my head. I miss the ability to think straight.
What am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to do it?
Why won’t this stop?
It’s costing me friends and makes me want to hide in my house and never come out.
I don’t know what to do with this.
I wish it would just go away.
I have an appointment tomorrow at a mental health clinic.
Just watch them diagnose me with something and then the stigma that I’d have to live with afterwards.
I wish God would feel closer, but maybe I’m just too filthy.