I haven’t been in such a bad place for a long time.

I’m missing church today because I don’t want to embarrass myself by sitting there crying all morning.

Last night I was consumed by thoughts of hanging myself in the basement, so I turned on the tv and continued watching my Criminal Minds dvd’s to distract myself.  It worked and I felt calm again, but I stayed up till 4 am to make sure I would fall asleep as soon as I went to bed.  I didn’t want to start thinking again.

And this morning I got up and sat on the couch and cried.  I was looking at my husband and kept thinking of how he must hate me.  Yesterday I got mad at him for something stupid – typical for me – and he was already feeling down, so he didn’t respond to me the way I needed him to.  (Although how could he know how I needed him to respond?)  So, because he was feeling down and now my mind was going off on an irrational tangent (as it’s so good at doing) we were both tense and quiet.  And, as usual, I took everything he said or did (or didn’t say or do) personally and painfully.

Then he didn’t kiss me good night and things went off to what I was describing earlier.

I’m starting to scare myself.

I’m trying to get help.  But getting help is so hard.  You have to seek it out.  I always need things to come to me.  That’s the way I work…how pathetic is that?

I understand how my thinking and reacting is completely out to lunch, but I can’t seem to gain any control over it. It frustrates me and makes me feel like a failure.  I’m smarter than this.  I should be able to have control over this.  And lately, it’s been so much worse.  I get control for a while and then something stupid sends me over the edge.

I feel so abandoned by God. My husband and I are under so much strain because there’s not enough money to live on.  I have an opportunity to go back to school bus driving, but I’m pretty sure that’s a very bad idea especially because of where my mind keeps going when I’m driving.

It reminds me of 10 or so years ago.  Back before I had a license.  A decade or so ago I was in as bad a place as I am right now.  Because I didn’t drive I got drove around.  I remember some crazy thoughts I often had at that time when I was sitting in the passenger seat of a moving car.  I would imagine opening the door and just falling out of the vehicle.  I’d picture myself rolling and bouncing along on the pavement from the momentum.  Obviously, I never did that but it seemed almost like a “neat” thing to do.  That weird little voice of logic reminded me every time of what a foolish thing to do that would be.

But now it’s different.  On occasion, but frequently yesterday when I was out shopping, I picture car accidents – not causing them but being in them. Not killed, but badly hurt.  Seems almost neat.  I’m sure I won’t cause any accidents (on purpose) but I really don’t think I should be bus driving, and right now, I’m grateful that we only have one car and that my husband uses it.  Maybe I should just not drive until I get my brain straight.

The question is, is that ever going to happen?

But that’s also why I feel so abandoned by God.  How am I supposed to go to work?  We don’t have enough money and it’s all because I’m losing my marbles.  Why isn’t God providing?

My struggle with my faith is that hardest part of this.  If I felt more like God had my back, I know this wouldn’t be so bad.

I know I have to seek Him out.  But I want Him to come to me.

Will He?


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3 Responses to spinning

  1. Erwin Epp says:

    Sharon, God is there!! He’s there all the time. Try telling satan to take a long walk off of a short pier. I believe that is what’s happening to you in that he’s perched on your shoulders and whispering all these crazy thoughts to you about doing yourself in. If you did, he would win. Remember that he hates you with a hatred that mortal man cannot even understand. God loves you with a love that mortal man can’t understand and we, your family of origin love you and we will never stop loving you. Call us if you need to talk
    The Lord Bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

  2. Anon says:

    Tell that jerk (satan) that you hate his guts and he needs to get away from you, tell him that everything he’s telling you is a lie and you know it. Even if you dont believe it, say it to him, out loud and try to mean it. Im not saying you’ll instantly feel better, but if you stick with it he’ll back off once he knows you’re serious he has no hold on you. And pray about it, I’m sure you are already but right after you tell that bastard (satan) how much you hate him and don’t believe him, pray about it and ask God to help you believe what you just said. Im not saying it’s easy and I’m not saying its a quick fix, but paired with trusting and seeking God it works, I know this because I’ve lived it. And I want you to know that no matter how crappy you feel or how much you may think no one loves you, they do, we do. We all want you to be happy. Even people you don’t know care, care about you and we want you to be happy. You are loved, you are wonderful. Believe it. I dare you. 😉

    This song came to mind, and I would just post the link, but I think reading the lyrics makes a bigger impression on the heart, and our minds respond better. Love ya!

    Hey, heard you were up all night
    Thinking about how your world ain’t right
    And you wonder if things will ever get better
    And you’re asking why is it always raining on you
    When all you want is just a little good news
    Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

    Oh, don’t hang your head
    It’s gonna end
    God’s right there
    Even if it’s hard to see Him
    I promise you that He still cares

    When the waves are taking you under
    Hold on just a little bit longer
    He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
    The pain ain’t gonna last forever
    And things can only get better
    Believe me
    This is gonna make you stronger
    Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
    Believe me, this is gonna make you …

    Try and do the best you can
    Hold on and let Him hold your hand
    And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
    Oh, lift your head it’s gonna end
    God’s right there
    Even when you just can’t feel Him
    I promise you that He still cares

    ‘Cause if He started this work in your life
    He will be faithful to complete it
    If only you believe it
    He knows how much it hurts
    And I’m sure that He’s gonna help you get through this

    When the waves are taking you under
    Hold on just a little bit longer
    He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
    The pain ain’t gonna last forever
    In time it’s gonna get better
    Believe me
    This is gonna make you stronger

    Here’s the link too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vih1xwxQUIo

  3. Garry Mullen says:

    God has been seeking you – and will continue to seek you. He has your back – even when you can’t feel it. It is then that you really need him to.

    You are loved, by God, by your family and by your friends.

    You will get through this.

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