I haven’t been in such a bad place for a long time.
I’m missing church today because I don’t want to embarrass myself by sitting there crying all morning.
Last night I was consumed by thoughts of hanging myself in the basement, so I turned on the tv and continued watching my Criminal Minds dvd’s to distract myself. It worked and I felt calm again, but I stayed up till 4 am to make sure I would fall asleep as soon as I went to bed. I didn’t want to start thinking again.
And this morning I got up and sat on the couch and cried. I was looking at my husband and kept thinking of how he must hate me. Yesterday I got mad at him for something stupid – typical for me – and he was already feeling down, so he didn’t respond to me the way I needed him to. (Although how could he know how I needed him to respond?) So, because he was feeling down and now my mind was going off on an irrational tangent (as it’s so good at doing) we were both tense and quiet. And, as usual, I took everything he said or did (or didn’t say or do) personally and painfully.
Then he didn’t kiss me good night and things went off to what I was describing earlier.
I’m starting to scare myself.
I’m trying to get help. But getting help is so hard. You have to seek it out. I always need things to come to me. That’s the way I work…how pathetic is that?
I understand how my thinking and reacting is completely out to lunch, but I can’t seem to gain any control over it. It frustrates me and makes me feel like a failure. I’m smarter than this. I should be able to have control over this. And lately, it’s been so much worse. I get control for a while and then something stupid sends me over the edge.
I feel so abandoned by God. My husband and I are under so much strain because there’s not enough money to live on. I have an opportunity to go back to school bus driving, but I’m pretty sure that’s a very bad idea especially because of where my mind keeps going when I’m driving.
It reminds me of 10 or so years ago. Back before I had a license. A decade or so ago I was in as bad a place as I am right now. Because I didn’t drive I got drove around. I remember some crazy thoughts I often had at that time when I was sitting in the passenger seat of a moving car. I would imagine opening the door and just falling out of the vehicle. I’d picture myself rolling and bouncing along on the pavement from the momentum. Obviously, I never did that but it seemed almost like a “neat” thing to do. That weird little voice of logic reminded me every time of what a foolish thing to do that would be.
But now it’s different. On occasion, but frequently yesterday when I was out shopping, I picture car accidents – not causing them but being in them. Not killed, but badly hurt. Seems almost neat. I’m sure I won’t cause any accidents (on purpose) but I really don’t think I should be bus driving, and right now, I’m grateful that we only have one car and that my husband uses it. Maybe I should just not drive until I get my brain straight.
The question is, is that ever going to happen?
But that’s also why I feel so abandoned by God. How am I supposed to go to work? We don’t have enough money and it’s all because I’m losing my marbles. Why isn’t God providing?
My struggle with my faith is that hardest part of this. If I felt more like God had my back, I know this wouldn’t be so bad.
I know I have to seek Him out. But I want Him to come to me.