Ever lost your identity?
And no, I’m not talking about amnesia.
I mean losing who you knew yourself to be. I can’t really describe how this happens, though. But I’ve been going through a stripping of identity for quite some time now.
I used to describe myself as a singer. There were people who liked to hear me sing. It was something that gave me value. That’s even the one thing that my parents would brag to other people about. “You should hear my daughter hit those high notes!”
Back when I was 18 and I would go to karaoke at the bar, I was often the only “good” singer there. When I used to go to karaoke 5 nights out of 7, I enjoyed people coming up to me and telling me how they loved the song I just sang and asked if I would sing a certain song for them. This happened in church, too. I would get asked to sing a solo during the service and people would tell me how my music spoke to them. Nothing made me feel good about myself like that did.
But I don’t have that anymore.
At karaoke now, they’re all good singers. I am nothing special.
At church, they don’t have soloists during the service and don’t ever ask me to be on the worship team. (My feelings on this are that they probably don’t want me because I’m not a good enough Christian or something like that – that’s probably not true, but that’s how I feel and how often do I have rational feelings?)
But the point is, I’m nothing special as a singer – not at karaoke and not at church.
There’s nothing special about me.
As much as music means to me, I have quit singing altogether. Partly because of pride, my biggest issue. When I sing in the congregation at church, I keep expecting (wanting/ desiring) the people who are sitting in front of me to turn around and tell me what a great voice I have. And yes, that’s prideful.
But that’s also all I had that meant anything to anyone ever.
Now it’s gone.
So what do I matter? I have nothing to offer anymore.
I wish I had a point in being here. Was my only point in being here to bring my children into the world? Am I nothing more than an incubator?
I have nothing, I am nothing, I can do nothing.
Rick Warren said that God gives us our desires and talents to do His will.
Why, then, has He given me desires and talents that I don’t get to use?