….that should be the title of my blog, don’t you think?
The Neuroses that is Me.
I can’t think in a straight line to save my life and that is all one reads about in my blog, isn’t it?
I’ve come to realize, this morning, that I don’t want this to change.
I’ll attempt to explain why.
I have (or rather had) casual friends; they never needed me. They all have tons of other much closer friends to share their sorrows and joys with.
I would love to have that.
Having been brutally betrayed many, many times, it takes a lot to open myself up to people. But when we started going to the church we attend, I put myself out there much quicker than I usually would. I did this partly because I was getting desperate for friends (for myself and for my husband to make some) and partly because I was trying to not be afraid of people.
Well, it took a while but I made what I thought were 2 close friendships. But they aren’t close friendships anymore.
I pulled away from one of them because she’s about to go on a missions trip and I didn’t want to pollute her mind with my crap. She didn’t give me any indication that our “friendship” mattered that much to her even though I told her that that’s what I needed, so I’ve just let it lay. I helped fill her mornings with some adult conversation for a time and now that she’s just had her other baby and is getting ready to go far away, she doesn’t need me now. I went up to talk to her one Sunday about a month ago. I had seen her across the church looking all big and pregnant and ready to pop and decided to apologize for not being much of a friend. (And believe me when I tell you that I had to mentally drag myself over to her.) While I was standing there waiting for her to finish talking with whoever she was talking with I realized something. That she had not given me any indication that she needed or wanted me as her friend (or maybe she did; I don’t know; I can be like my autistic son – if you don’t word it plainly and simply I don’t get it) and I didn’t want to put myself out there blindly. Why would she want to be friends with a neurotic lunatic anyway? There’s no animosity between us, so I’ve just let it go.
The other friend finds all her fulfillment in her kids and doesn’t seem to need friends. Besides she doesn’t live within walking distance.
It all makes me want to go to another church to start over again.
Start over somewhere new, where no one knows me and this time I would be more careful. Just be quiet and invisible and maybe someone will notice me. Because if someone notices the quiet, invisible person that person would be the ultimate Christian, loving person who would never hurt me and always know how to deal with or talk to me when my brain goes off like it tends to do.
I don’t think that type of person exists.
My church also makes me feel so inadequate. No one there has done anything really to make me feel that, but I just know that everyone there is perfect and sinless and I’m the sinful fool who brings down their batting average.
The women’s retreat is coming up and I am NOT going this time. No one ever sponsors me anyway and we can’t afford it otherwise. I tried at the other ones that I went to to join in with the others during that torturous 4 hour break on Saturday, but I couldn’t. Once in a while someone would come and strike up conversation with me but it usually only carried until someone else approached us who they were more interested in talking to. I couldn’t join in conversations that others were happening because either I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about or I couldn’t relate to it in any way, or I couldn’t hear them. (Being kind of deaf can really suck sometimes.) Not to mention the fact that there were a bunch of strangers from some other church at our retreat and I didn’t know people well enough to know who was who and I didn’t want to hit it off with someone I’d never see again.
You know, I really don’t want people to get to know me, because I wouldn’t like me if I was them. I’d rather not make friends with people who are just going to dump me later. The problem I’m really having now is that I can’t even fake it anymore. I used to be able to wear a facade like a well-worn jacket. But I can’t anymore. You get the real me whether I like it or not. So starting over at another church would be a waste of time.
Now what does this all have to do with what I said at the beginning?
Nothing, I guess. I didn’t explain a thing. I’m just ranting on what’s bothering me at this moment.
Except maybe this explains that my neuroses is all I have that’s uniquely me.
I can’t sing anymore, I can’t write worth a dang anymore so what else have I got?
The neuroses that is me, that’s what.