Why do I bother?

I’m in a dangerously bad mood today.

The idea of diluting a cup of hot chocolate with toilet cleaner is appealing today.

That, or grab my 6-year-old daughter and run away from it all.

What am I supposed to do with no support from my husband?  How am I supposed to survive when he doesn’t give a damn?

He told me today that he supports those people who pretended to be my friend because they believe and trust what he says.  Well they don’t know him like I do.  What he says and what he does are seldom the same thing.  So he gets mad at me for not believing everything he says.  How can I when actions never back up his words.  And I know how resentful he is that he is stuck with me.  I’m pretty sure his vows really meant “in good times and health only”.  He didn’t sign on to have to put up with a bitch with a personality disorder.

And as for those “friends”, one of whom I know is subscribed to my blog, I still have heard absolutely nothing from them not even after what I wrote a few weeks ago.

The only one I believe cares is my daughter and she’s only 6.  She won’t care soon enough, so why bother waiting till then?  Let them all be rid of me now.  I’ll write her and her brothers a long letter telling them how much I really do love them.  Maybe they’ll believe me.

This is so frustrating.  How am I supposed to survive like this?

So far my husband has spent his day off in the basement watching television and, sure enough, came upstairs when the children got off the PS3.  Reminds me of when I came home from the hospital when I let my dad take me there a few weeks ago.  I walked in the door after spending several hours in the psych ward of the E.R. and he barely looked up from his video game.  I’m just an inconvenient mooch anyway.  He’s sitting 3 feet away from me right now and is engrossed in his video game, not knowing how I’m feeling right now, because I’ve quit letting him know.  Because it really doesn’t seem to matter to him or he gets mad at me for being upset.

My first husband was abusive but sometimes I think I had it better with him.  At least he would talk to me.


About Sharon

Check out my "A Bit About Me" tab to learn a bit about me
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