Well, it’s been a week and a half since I took the only tiny step I was able to take to resolve the issues I have with the women from my old church.
And they, or rather she, have not responded. Not in the way that I thought I clearly explained had to be the way.
What happened was that that very day that I wrote the last blog I got a message from the pastor of my old church, one of the three women I have a some issues with, inviting me to come to the church – which I already said I couldn’t even go halfway to – to meet with her and the other 2 women that the issues are with.
Y’know, I thought I was pretty clear. The details through which I do things are details that are absolutely necessary right now. To keep myself calm and relatively rational I have to do things a certain way and when it comes to people, I can’t deal with things face to face. Not at first. If people would just be willing to humor me and go along with what I need, I’d be a lot farther along in getting to a rational state of mind than I am.
But I guess that’s too much to ask.
With my disorder, inviting me to a place I can’t go to meet not one, but three people I can’t be around, is tantamount to telling me to lie on the ground because you want to walk on my back with aerating sandals. All my mind’s eye could see was the three women of gargantuan size (despite the fact that all three are shorter than me) towering over me with furrowed brows and wagging fingers telling me how horrible I am.
This invitation was absolutely the wrong thing to do.
I thought I was being clear in what I needed from others in order to help me.
And it really didn’t seem like I was asking a lot.
I just needed some words from one person. And I believe that’s it’s come to one of two things. That person, Michelle, is either making this word thing far more complicated than it is, or she’s decided that I’m just not worth it. And quite honestly, if it’s the latter, I wish she would just say so. Truth may hurt, but I know it’s better than the fiction my mind creates. Especially because it’s extremely hard for me not to believe that the fiction is truth.
I have an image of them now saying, “Well, we reached out to her, but she rejected us.” Is that what they’re thinking? I don’t know, but right now, I can’t really believe anything different. Why are they unwilling to do things the way I need them done.
Perhaps, it’s having to do things on my terms that is the problem. But look at it this way; say you want to meet and converse with a certain someone. And that certain someone is deaf. They send you a message saying that they are unable to read lips so, since you don’t know sign language, you need to bring a pad of paper and a pen to the meeting so that you can communicate clearly with each other. Is that an unreasonable request? Would you not carry out that request and bring the pad of paper? That is meeting that person’s terms to make it easier for them.
That’s all I’m asking. Meet me on my terms, just so I can handle it.
But I’m beginning to believe it’s not going to happen because they are choosing to believe something different than the truth about me: that I’m just an evil sinner who’s fishing for attention and have just talked myself into this “disorder”.
Well, I know the truth. God has been very clear to me about this. I am supposed to go through this. And there is a purpose for it, though I don’t know what it is yet. God promised to carry me through this, and He has done so so much that I trust that He will in my heart even though when I spiral down to a bad place, I don’t necessarily trust it in my mind.
Perhaps I’m completely wrong about what they’re thinking, but with this silence and unwillingness to do what I need, what should I think?
So I will say no more about Michelle and the others. The ball is in their court and they can do what they want with it.
Tell me I’m not worth the trouble or whatever you want. I’m trying to get better and you could help me, but it’s up to you.